Don’t Miss These Aspergers Dating Tips

aspergers dating tips“Dating is a place to practice how to relate to other people”  Henry Cloud, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping

Aspergers Dating Tips:

It’s time to bust out of personal injury and insults.

For so many on the autism spectrum, the dating field is a minefield strewn with casualties.

There are misunderstandings, betrayal, and resentments.

The whole dating scene can be so very confusing.

And so, many have given up on relationships altogether.

It’s time to challenge the status quo. You can become expert enough to date.

I’ve compiled some dating tips from a blend of Aspie input at Wrong Planet and some of my own ideas, as well as some research from across the net.  You’ll see some random quotes sprinkled throughout the article.  These were participants from the particular dating threads I read at Wrong Planet.  I hope you enjoy them.

Core Beliefs

‘Trust me when I say this; if you don’t love yourself, there’s no woman who ever lived that can change that. You have got to accept yourself and love yourself, or you’ll just be a bottomless well some poor woman pours her life into, and gets nothing back for it.’

Many NT’s and Aspies have been through painful dating experiences. Yes, it can be more challenging for Aspies because of the social challenges involved with reading body language and the complex rituals of dating.

Over time, an individual may start developing harmful beliefs about himself and others:

‘I feel I have within me the capability for incredible compassion and love, and I want to share that with someone, instead of wasting my energy doing these damned movies nobody sees, or these restoring those stupid antiques no one buys. And when I get rejected, they’re rejecting everything, they’re throwing me away. And it just affirms my self hatred and worthlessness.’

It’s important that you work through through personal thoughts and feelings about dating, about the world, about the person/s you are trying to date, and most importantly, about yourself.

I often use the Thoughts and Feelings chapter on Changing Core Beliefs with my counseling clients.  Here’s a free worksheet you can use to work on changing your beliefs.

Best Aspie Advice, By Aspies?

The following is one of the ‘Favorited’ pieces of advice over at Wrong Planet regarding dating.

  • Just be Yourself.
  • You can’t Force It.
  • Real chemistry [has to be there].

Just Be Yourself.

I agree that you have to be yourself.  Don’t apologize for who you are.  Be proud of who you are.  Have you come to terms with your autism spectrum personhood?  Do you appreciate yourself as someone with a specialized brain?  Do you realize that the world needs you?

On the other hand, just being ourselves does not mean that we don’t have to follow some of the unwritten rules of etiquette and dating.  Don’t confuse ‘being yourself’ with acting just however you want, with no regard for the thoughts and feelings of the other person involved.

Real Chemistry.

Hmmmm, I’m not so sure about this one.  I’ve known platonic friends who later dated each other.  On the other hand, there does have to be some level of attraction there.

What do you think?

Social Skills

‘To be honest, it’s about making yourself marketable, people want what is desired and having a high social value or fame shows that. You can have a degree from Cambridge or Harvard yet if you lack the means to emotionally connect or bond with someone, you aren’t going to get very far.’

As for guys who complain that women aren’t giving them chances, well of course it’s more difficult to create a good first impression when you are on the spectrum. It doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or a good partner, it just means that you don’t have the best marketing skills which can hinder you in employment and relationships.evaluate them, and decide..

Since dating is a very social activity, I think it goes without saying that social skills are important.

Individuals on the autism spectrum may have to practice just a bit harder than NT’s.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t learn to relate effectively!

Unfortunately, it’s easy to give in to frustration and failure.  Don’t give up!

I encourage you to check out Corbett Barr’s paradigm shifting blog called Expert Enough.  One of my favorites over there is The Lost Art of Becoming Good At Things.  Why not tell yourself that you become good at this dating thing?  You can do it!

Here are some prior articles from my blog to help you out in the area of Asperger’s social skills:

Read This And Increase Your Aspergers Social Skills

How To Decrease Social Awkwardness in One Evening 

Discover These Aspergers Communication Tips

Aspergers and Social Skills: 10 Keys 

Behavior Experiments

‘Love isn’t based soley on luck. You need to go out and try to find people who are attracted to you, and not just friendly with you.’

In my humble opinion, you need to work on two key factors when working on dating.

First, you need to learn how to be a good friend.

Have you become comfortable and expert enough with social skills to forge some good friendships?  I’m not talking about a big number here.  One or two or three will suffice.

Take inventory of yourself and your friendships.  You cannot run before you walk.  You cannot start riding a two wheeler without the training wheels.

Second, you need a dating coach.

I am not going to pretend to know who’s legit and who’s not.  But you may want to check around the net for ethical and competent dating coaches.

Or you may know someone in your church or social organization who is an experienced dater.  Take that person out to lunch and pick his/her brain.  Ask them if they’d be willing to come along with you and critique you in some social setting.  By adopting their mindset and expertise, you’ll be learning from the best.

Again, I will recommend Brian King from Spectrum Mentor as someone who could serve as a dating and relationship mentor or coach to you.

I have two strikes against me.  I’m NT, and I’m not you.  Please do share your success stories or tips in the Aspie dating realm.  I will take note and share your tips in future articles.


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About Stephen Borgman

 I'm Steve Borgman.  I'm a licensed clinical professional counselor and blogger committed to bringing you hope, understanding, and solutions that you can apply to your life immediately.
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