Welcome to 2016, everyone!
I’m kicking off the new year with more dating tips from Dr. Duana Welch, author of Love Factually.
It’s a continuation of my interview from episode 23, These 5 Helpful Dating Questions Will Boost Your Confidence.
Dr. Welch went through the ups and downs, heartaches, and trials that many of us have faced during her sixteen year dating journey.
Many times she felt like giving up. But she didn’t.
I love her dating tips because they come from her heart and from her research of what works in going from dating to a long lasting, committed relationship.
Listen in, and get inspired to improve your dating and relationships!
First, here’s a fun quiz for you!
My Call To Action!
- Take the fun quiz up above and share your results on your social media accounts.
- If you haven’t already done so, sign up for The List, the bonus material on how to create your GPS tool for navigating the dating process.
3. If you have any questions about this interview, reach out to Dr. Welch with your questions.
In This Episode You’ll Learn The Following Dating Tips:
- How to become the type of person you want to attract
- How what Dr. Welch advocates is SO different from the pickup artist community ( the pickup artist community mindset often results in a series of “hookups" and contrary to what most men and women want: a happy, fulfilled and lifetime relationship.)
Questions to ask ourselves:
- Am I working on my own personal growth plan?
- Do I have the level of self respect and self esteem I will need to expect kindness and respect from others (read chapter — on self esteem from Duana’s book)
Dr. Welch’s tips for increasing self esteem
- Act as if you have self-esteem
- Use proximal goals – you don’t have to “feel" 100% high self esteem, but you can set a goal to stop seeing someone who is unkind and disrespectful and decide that you will only see someone who is kind and respectful, because you know you will feel better if you do
- Back to the List (a tool that greatly increases your chances of connecting with the right partner)
Dr. Duana Welch says, “Make your list!”
Sign up to get detailed instructions about this:
Phrase your “Must Have” characteristics positively.
- For example, instead of writing, “I will only date people who are not hateful" (your subconscious will most likely latch onto “hateful"), say, “I will only date people who are kind and respectful, even when things are not going their way.”
- Or instead of saying, “I won’t date any heavy drinkers”, write, “I will date people who drink socially and responsibly.”
- It’s okay to brainstorm at first. But then go back and turn the negative statements into positive ones
- Be Willing to Compromise on the Wants on Your List
- Dr. Welch talks about rock bottom Must Haves that you should never compromise on!
Date cleanup: what to do if you have a “bad date" — feeling you came off as socially awkward, or that the two of you just did not click
- Think of something specific that you feel was a blunder
- Text or email that person, “You know, in thinking about our date, I said x, and I wish I had said Y, because it really reflects who I am and what I was trying to communicate." This kind of statement leaves the door open, that in case that thing you said was the thing that got in the way, you may salvage the date. And putting it in writing allows you to choose your words carefully.
But if the date tanked, and you feel that you made a mistake, and your self -esteem has taken a hit….
- Review everything you’ve learned so far in this podcast episode, and try again
- Have a time limit on your dates: keep the date brief enough to want the other person wanting more: no more than 2 hours. 2 hours may not be enough to know whether you have met the right person, but it’s definitely enough to to know if you have not.
- How to reinforce this: have some “To Do" item lined up so that you have to leave after 2 hours. Another way to keep the date brief is to meet at a bookstore or coffee shop.
- Don’t go to movies on the first date or two: it doesn’t leave much room to get to know the other person
Last big point: When do I reveal really sensitive things about me? for example – when do I reveal that I am on spectrum?
- a) figure out, from those close to you, whether it’s really obvious that you are on spectrum. If it is really obvious to them, then reveal your diagnosis quickly.
“I’m on spectrum, which means that I process information a little bit differently than most people, I just want to tell you that, because it may seem like I have unusual behaviors: I may not make eye contact quite as much, but that’s not a lack of interest, it’s just the way my brain is set up."
It’s very important HOW you say the script. Bad sticks out more than good. So if you say something in a really anxious and heavy way, it will be perceived automatically as bad.
However, if you present what you’re saying positively and matter-of-fact (mild, kind, positive), it will be more likely to be perceive automatically as good.
- If it’s not obvious that you’re autistic, don’t you don’t need to talk about your diagnosis right away. Get to know your partner very well before you reveal really deeply personal information: such that you know if you break up, they are kind and respectful enough not to share this information everywhere
Links and Resources
Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps From I Wish To I Do, by Dr. Duana Welch.
Do you have a question for Dr. Duana Welch? She welcomes your questions. Contact her here.
Here’s all the more reason to Make Your List! This article from The Telegraph talks about Why Falling In Love Is Similar To Being Drunk.
Download the first chapter of Love Factually at Duana’s book site, LoveFactually.
Follow Dr. Duana Welch on Twitter: https://twitter.com/duanawelch
Join the Conversation
What topics would you most like covered on the show? Who would you like me to interview? Share you answer in the comments below or Ask me a question via my Contact Page.
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photo credit: Mayur Gala
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